"you're slowly becoming increasingly useless."

i just had a horrible conversation with my brother today while i was trying to study for my last exam.

he told me i was becoming increasingly useless.

he gave me a hard time about studying abroad. not having direction in life. taking a long time to graduate. etc. etc.

it's stupid because (1) studying abroad has brought me an opportunity to intern for UNESCO, which would give me some amazing experience AND look amazing on my CV, (2) i've been wanting to be a lawyer since i was in the 8th grade and have not deterred from that since, (3) i'm going to finish in four years double majoring and minoring . . which is more than he can say since he took five years with his one major.

he also gave me shit about how shane has a house and i'm wandering around thailand. man. so am i such a failure? just because i went to college after high school and haven't finished? would he rather me go straight into the workforce after high school, save some money, move to some state where the cost of living is 1/4 of california's. buy a house. get married. get pregnant. yada yada. thats so stupid and so not the way mom and dad raised me.

it's like i understand james really cares about me and worries about me . . thats why he gives me a hard time. but i swear, sometimes he's worst than mom and dad. mom and dad have issues with "encouragement" also. and in the long run, i know it's made me a stronger person. negative reineforcement. they always worry that over complimenting us will make us stop working so hard. and it's good, i know.

but sometimes it's really hard to always have to prove someone wrong. or feel like the people who you think should be the most proud of you are just waiting for you to fail.

i guess i haven't felt like this since high school when mom and dad were convinced that a month before graduation i would get pregnant and drop out of school. instead, i hosted the graduation ceremony infront of a stadium of people.

i dont know. i haven't been feeling so great because yesterday a ghost from the past attempted to contact me. so i guess i've been more sensitive and touchy. i hate that.