backtracking my parents journey to the united states

eversince before i could remember, i know i grew up on stories about ban xon and xishuangbanna. i've successfully done the opposite journey my parents did and i have so many things to say and write but can't keep hogging this computer for that long.

• chiang khong, thailand across the mekong river to huay xai, laos.
• huay xai, laos to muang sing, laos.
• muang sing laos, across the border to muang mang, china (where mom was born)
• muang mang, china to ban xon, china (where dad was born)

"you're slowly becoming increasingly useless."

i just had a horrible conversation with my brother today while i was trying to study for my last exam.

he told me i was becoming increasingly useless.

he gave me a hard time about studying abroad. not having direction in life. taking a long time to graduate. etc. etc.

it's stupid because (1) studying abroad has brought me an opportunity to intern for UNESCO, which would give me some amazing experience AND look amazing on my CV, (2) i've been wanting to be a lawyer since i was in the 8th grade and have not deterred from that since, (3) i'm going to finish in four years double majoring and minoring . . which is more than he can say since he took five years with his one major.

he also gave me shit about how shane has a house and i'm wandering around thailand. man. so am i such a failure? just because i went to college after high school and haven't finished? would he rather me go straight into the workforce after high school, save some money, move to some state where the cost of living is 1/4 of california's. buy a house. get married. get pregnant. yada yada. thats so stupid and so not the way mom and dad raised me.

it's like i understand james really cares about me and worries about me . . thats why he gives me a hard time. but i swear, sometimes he's worst than mom and dad. mom and dad have issues with "encouragement" also. and in the long run, i know it's made me a stronger person. negative reineforcement. they always worry that over complimenting us will make us stop working so hard. and it's good, i know.

but sometimes it's really hard to always have to prove someone wrong. or feel like the people who you think should be the most proud of you are just waiting for you to fail.

i guess i haven't felt like this since high school when mom and dad were convinced that a month before graduation i would get pregnant and drop out of school. instead, i hosted the graduation ceremony infront of a stadium of people.

i dont know. i haven't been feeling so great because yesterday a ghost from the past attempted to contact me. so i guess i've been more sensitive and touchy. i hate that.

Temporary Friends?

december 6th

I just got back from Koh Tao last night at 1am. I spent the night packing and talking to my brother and sister. I’m really excited because Malisa is almost certain she’ll be visiting in May and James and Kimi still wanna come too. it makes me excited because I miss my family. Especially my brother and sister. I guess we have one of those weird families where the kids get along. More than get along. We actually like each other.

Anyway. Besides that, I went to bed really late but luckily Coline called me to ask if I wanted to study. It was nice to hear Coline’s voice. I was hoping she’d be staying with me next semester but her school informed her during the weekend if she didn’t take some class (that wont be offered here in Thailand), she wouldn’t graduate. So she’s heading back to Paris in January. And it makes me really sad because we were gonna live in the same building with each other and even made all these wonderful plans for next year. Ha. last Thursday, she said:

“monica, if I stay here next semester, we need to find boyfriends. If I go a whole year without a boyfriend, I might die.”

Ha. I love it.

This morning Harper came over and invited me to brunch with everyone at Ricky’s. Brunch turned into Lunch because I had to go buy tickets to Laos and China for tomorrow. When I got to Ricky’s, I was greeted a huge table of my friends with huge smiles on their faces sitting around sipping on their cappuccinos and fruit shakes with plates of half eaten grilled cheese, muesli and yogurt, etc. etc.

It was a sight that I don’t ever want to forget.

I’ve made such wonderful friends during this semester abroad. Wonderfully amazing. Who would have known that I would be able to connect with so many different people from so many different places. Who would have known that I could have been such close friends with

- A girl from Paris who I would eat vegetarian food with every Wednesday night to discuss life, goals, careers, and re-meeting up in New York in two years.

- A guy from Nesbraksa who I would share invite to visit my family in Laos and spend a 22 hours bus ride with

- Fall in love with a girl who grew up in Piedmont but goes to UCLA

- Find someone I could completely connect with on so many levels in Thailand… only to realize I could have spent my last two years in Berkeley hanging out with her (if only she dropped some of those econ classes for some Ethnic Studies or Sociology classes).

- A Jewish girl from Denver who likes to run as much as me and would keep good luck strings from my uncle on her wrists for a month

- A French-Canadian whom I would have a fling with then travel through out Vietnam AND get certified for scuba diving with.

- A girl from vegetarian from Nashville who is probably my favorite southerner in the world.

- A Mexican who has become my favorite person to share a bucket with and could convince me to do anything just by calling me, “Moni-Cake”

- A great roommate from Sacramento turned Los Angeles who I could bitch about the world for hours instead of studying in our room.

… and so many many more.

The sad thing is that in the beginning, I thought maybe these would be “temporary” friends. Who would have known, I would come to Thailand to make friends with people whom I’ve become closer to in the past five months than friends I have back at home that I’ve known for years.

Maybe its because we all came to Thailand with nothing. Maybe its because we all learned to live in Thailand together. Maybe its because in Thailand, we lived a surreal life. A surreal life that no one would ever be able to even imagine.

Only us.

01/Dec - 04/Dec: Koh Tao & Scuba Diving

to be continued